Monday, September 26, 2005

I'm an APEMAN, I'm an APE, APE MAN

New Chimp Analyses Supports Theory of Evolution?

God help me. The portrait below is beginning to look more realistic every time that I look at it.

According to a Washington Post article today, in a courtroom in Harrisburg, Pa. a federal judge will begin hearing a case that asks whether ID or other alternative explanations deserve to be taught in a biology class.

Coincidentally, last month scientists announced they had determined the exact order of all 3 billion bits of genetic code that go into making a chimpanzee, and the sequence was more than 96 percent identical to the human genome.

Eric Lander, a geneticist at the Broad Institute of MIT and Harvard in Cambridge, Mass. tallied the harmful mutations in the chimp genome, and apparently the number fit perfectly into the range that evolutionary theory had predicted.

Does this prove that Darwin was right? Or was God just practicing on our ape cousins? Which might really prove that God has a sense of humour after all.

Being the nice guy that he is, the FISK proposes a compromise. How's about we say Adam is our great granddaddy, and Lucy is the hairy chick that Adam messed around with behind Eve's back. What do you think?

Won't you sing along with me?

I think I'm sophisticated
'cos I'm living my life a good homo sapiens.
But all around me ev'rybody's multiplying
And they're walking round like flies man:
So I'm no better than the animals
Sitting in the cages in the zoo man
'cos compared to the flowers and the birds
And the trees
I am an APEMAN.
I think I'm so educated and I'm so civilised
'cos strict vegetarian. And with the over population
And inflation and starvation crazy politicans.
I don't feel safe in this world
No more don't want to die in a nuclear war.
I want to sail away to a distant shore
And make like an APEMAN.
I'm an APE
I'm an APE MAN.
I'm a king-kong man
I'm a voodoo man
I'm a APE MAN.
'cos compared to the sun that sits in the sky
Compared to the clouds as they roll by
Compared to the bugs and the spiders and flies
I am an APE MAN. La
In man's evolution he has created
The cities and the motor traffic rumble
But give me half a chance and I'd be taking
Clothes and living in the jungle.
But the only time that I feel at ease
Swinging up and down in a coconut tree.
what alife of luxury to be like an APE MAN.
I'm an APE MAN
I'm an APE
I'm an APE MAN.
I'm a king-kong man
I'm a voodoo man
I'm a Ape MAN.
I look out of the window
but I can't see the sky
'cos air polution is a fogging up my eyes
I want to get out of this city alive
And make like an APE MAN.
Come and love me
be my APE MAN girl
And we'll be so happy in my APE MAN world.
I'm an APE MAN
I'm an APE
I'm an APE MAN.
I'm a king-kong man
I'm a voodoo man
I'm a APE MAN.
I'll be your Tarzan
you'll be my Jane
I'll keep you warm and you'll keep me sane
We'll sit in the trees and eat bananas
All day just like an APE MAN.
... lyrics by Ray Davies and the Kinks

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

Men Are Happier Creatures

So Why Are Men Happier?

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for all your relatives on December 24 in 30 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Send this to the women in your life who can handle it, and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

I got this in an email from a friend and thought you might enjoy it. I know I did.

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Jesus, George, slow down a little

Dubya, you got two switches on your console: off or on. Apparently, you're on now. Wow. I hear you're going to build dream homes for a whole bunch of folks and that you want me to pay my part. Did you talk to anybody about this first, or was it something you came up with on the plane? Because...

George, you said you were wrong, but then you kept talking! Wrong people ought to shut up. Listen. You and your Feds were No Call No Show. People died. Now you got to show me, and I don't mean the bill.

Understand something. You and your Feds didn't save the people of the Gulf coast, the people of the Gulf coast did. It's not that you were late. It's that you didn't come. Didn't call. Broke major promises. And when got here, looked around, came back with just the thing. A speech.

You learned from this event that you need to spend more money. We learned from this event that you need to put your hand back in your pocket and get out of the way--we're busy.

Regarding toilets. Fecal matter was the greatest enemy of the people, and the solution was plastic garbage bags, kitchen size. Each bag holds 8 pounds. A box of 100 holds 800 lbs. Best if placed in a 5 gallon bucket with a toilet seat, but will do in a pinch by the handheld method. Handles all forms of human waste plus toilet paper without water. When it's full, after 3-4 uses, the bag is tied, and placed in a larger, stronger bag, until the whole shabang fits in one Lawn Hefty. Safer, cleaner, faster, cheaper than portable outdoor toilets.

Regarding Shelters. Why build something you have to transport by helicopter and then assemble with a labor force that also has to be flown in? Inflatable buildings are lightweight, easy to transport even in conventional vehicles, and cheap. Each building requires forced air conditioning and heat powered by propane or generator.

This is where you start, George. With the basics. You don't go straight to the dream home. You think first about poo and pee. Then a roof. Maybe a bite to eat. See. This is where you start.


Living in the Homeland is a lot scarier than it was when I lived in America.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Presidents Bush & Co. R&R in New Orleans

FISK Exclusive! A picture of Presidents Bush & Co. doing some father and son bonding after a speech in New Orleans. Bush junior was quoted saying:

"The weather might not be that good, but the fishin' sure is great!"

The rumour mill says that if his 200 billion dollar face lift doesn't work he plans to rename the city "New Venice". Apparently Dad turned away rolling his eyes, but we haven't been able to confirm that yet.

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Bush Pulls It

The FBI is looking for a few good men.

need not apply.

Bush Unveils His New Terrorist Strategy. Osama is nowhere to be found so Bush pulls another fast one and declares war on porn.

Bush was recently quoted as saying:

"Heck, we gotta have a war we can win. It's good for the country's morale and makes me look busy".

Bush went on to add that America needs a diversion from Iraq and New Orleans, and so he decided porn was the logical choice:

"The time has come to clean up the internet from pimple-faced terrorist geeks who have nothing better to do than gawk at air-brushed cyber-chicks and make fun of me in their blogs."

Evidently the real impetus for Bush's change of strategy is his anger with bloggers. And this time he means business:

"We're gonna root them out, and attack all the ISP's that harbour them, and all those who have linked to them."

Bush's bravado knows no bounds, and as if that weren't enough he went on further to say:

"We will smoke them out from behind their computers. We will capture their IP addresses dead or alive" said Bush.

According to sources the FBI has even partnered with the RIAA and Disney because of their vast expertise in tracking down and prosecuting cyber criminals.

"Their days are numbered. If they think they can run and hide from the United States and our allies they will be sorely mistaken".

Crikey. I don't know about you but I'm uninstalling Kazaa tonight! Here's a tip from the FISK. Call your broker right away and buy stock in Playboy magazine. Circulation should see an immediate and HUGE increase in size. Because in Texas size is everything.

Original Washington Post Article:

"I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

"The FBI is joining the Bush administration's War on Porn. And it's looking for a few good agents. The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults."

"Among friends and trusted colleagues, an experienced national security analyst said, "it's a running joke for us." A few of the printable samples:

  • "Things I Don't Want On My Résumé, Volume Four."

  • "I already gave at home."

  • "Honestly, most of the guys would have to recuse themselves."

  • Gosh I feel safer already!

    Would you believe it? As I was writing this piece the site went down.

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    Monday, September 19, 2005

    Daily KOS shows his True Colors

    This is a classic case of what happens when one begins to believe in one's own press. After FISKing the KOS last week we were prepared to give the guy a break. But upon reading the following diatribe we just couldn't resist.

    TODAY he makes another interesting statement. He poo-poos on "blogger ethics", mocks missing "white" girls and confesses to self divination... all in only one paragraph and breath. Now that takes talent.

    "Every time I hear talk of a blogger ethics conference, I laugh so hard my stigmata starts acting up. If we want the newsmedia to get back to reporting news -- and I mean actual, politically sensitive news, not breathless on-the-scene reports from whatever stagelit tropical scene White Girl Number 23 has disappeared from this week -- we need to surgically detach the news organizations from the conglomerates that have subsumed them."


    MY DEAREST MarKOS: For your edification, please understand that "Blogger ethics" does not mean succumbing under the control of mainstream media. It simply means that bloggers (such as yourself) should aspire to higher standards of professionalism.

    THAT is something you should personally take to heart because it is for the benefit of dudes like you why there is a need for these conferences in the first place.

    And BTW, why are you picking on the "white" chicks? Don't you know that disaster courts no sexual preference and is color blind?

    THEN AGAIN maybe that's your problem. Instead of suffering from a Christ-complex, perhaps you misspelled again and really meant to call it a stigmatism? One can only wonder.

    The FISK strongly recommends that you visit an optometrist, and the next time you watch the news remove the colored lens of your personal bias.

    BUT silly me, there I go forgetting again... controversy sells and keeps those numbers up. So please forgive me if I don't hold my breath.

    KOS, you have become exactly what you pretend to revile in the mainstream media so look in the mirror once in a while bud. Sigh. Need more be said? Think not.


    *In hindsight, perhaps we should have started a blog devoted entirely for the KOS' benefit? There's certainly enough material there. Food for thought.

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    Thursday, September 15, 2005

    Insurance Companies are Screwing New Orleans

    I EQUATE trying to collect from insurance companies with playing the slot machines at Las Vegas. Vegas gives you better odds. In this writer's opinion the insurance business is one of the biggest legalized rackets around. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the Mafia were major shareholders.

    WHICH brings me to one of my favorite rants. Don't you just love insurance companies? (Rhetorical question). Especially those warm and fuzzy commercials they bombard us on the toob. Here are a couple of oldies but goodies that come to mind:


    "You're in Good Hands With Allstate"



    "Mississippi attorney general files lawsuit against insurance companies. Amid reports that insurance companies may be taking advantage of Hurricane Katrina victims, Mississippi Attorney General Jim Hood filed a lawsuit Thursday against five insurers in his state, his press office said.

    Mississippi Farm Bureau Insurance, State Farm Fire and Casualty Co., Allstate Property and Casualty Co., United Services Automobile Association and Nationwide Mutual Insurance Co. were listed as defendants in the suit."

    More fine reading can be found at Reuters, USA Today, LA Times, Pantagraph and US Newswire.

    IT LOOKS LIKE our prediction is coming to fruition:

    "Mark my words. It won't be long before you will be watching State Farm Insurance ads bragging on the toob how they rebuilt New Orleans. What they won't tell you however is all the bodies they screwed over. But that will be another story, or a law suit (or both)."

    Damn Necrofeliacs.

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    Tuesday, September 13, 2005

    Extreme Blogging

    Did the KOS Implicate Bush of Mass Murder?

    The FISK likes to read extremist blogs for a good chuckle now and again. You know the ones I'm talking about -- the major players of course are the political blogs, the Instapundits and the Daily KOS et al.

    We even like to link to them for easy one-click access, and because God knows they could use the pagerank boost. You will find them listed below under the appropriately named list "Fodder".

    Well yesterday was no exception and the KOS did not disappoint. Markos Moulitsas Zúniga writes (bad spelling and all) about ex-FEMA chief Brown's resignation and provides us with an excellent example of political extremeism at its best:

    "But we can't allow this disaster to be framed in the context of a few incompetents and political hacks. Because ultimately, the federal (non) response to New Orleans went exactly according to the conservative playbook. And that's the biggest point in this whole mess.

    Conservatives believe government shouldn't exist to help people. That everyone should be left to the wolves.

    New Orleans demonstrated to us in vivid color what Republicanism is made of. New Orleans was, in reality, a crowning acheivement of conservatism. That is, until political pressure forced the federal government to lend a hand and those lucky duckies in the gulf coast began receiving "handouts".

    Obviously KOS has been watching way too many Dean speeches. Yes, we all agree that Bush was slow to the draw with New Orleans. And yes, Brown was way in over his head and should have been removed.

    I'm no Bush lover, but to paint him and all conservatives that way is irresponsible and quite frankly dumb. For to believe such rubbish is the same as saying that Bush and his party are complicit in mass murder. Murder? KOS fell just short of saying that but it is implied, or at the very least manslaughter or criminal negligence (do I hear negligent homicide).

    Let me explain. If (according to KOS' logic) Bush had followed a game plan ("according to the conservative playbook") leading to the death of many people, then isn't that the same as saying Bush premeditated a crime against humanity. Move over Kosovo. Hello New Orleans.

    The KOS claims to have the largest readership in the blogosphere, so obviously it appeals to a lot of people who lap up this stuff (scary isn't it). And maybe (just maybe) there could be another more sensible explanation. But what the hey, that's not extreme enough is it?

    I also find it interesting that (some) of his liberal followers will be the first to shame anyone making characterizations (and rightly they should) about colour or race.

    Yet (some) of those same people have no compunction to making scurrilous generalizations about conservatives. And of course a good old fashioned religion-bashing is another favorite sport of the left (just read some of the comments).

    Hypocrites. Talk about extreme rhetoric. In fact this sort of diatribe only appeals to the worst in people and is more in keeping with propoganda than political extremeism.

    That is part and parcel of what is good and bad with the blogosphere. On the one hand it is a strength of diversity that gives the blogosphere it's power. But unfortunately any whacko with a keypad can get published.

    One finds it hard to imagine that anyone in their right mind could actually believe some of the crap the KOS disgorges. Crap is right, and right down the poop shoot it goes where it belongs. SWOOSH.

    Mind you, upon occasion KOS is capable of making a sensible post. But if you have something to say then speak directly and spare us the inflammatory rhetoric that only appeals to smaller minds. It behooves you NOT. Then again, you are a great source of material for the FISK!

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    Sunday, September 11, 2005

    Katrina Exposes Vulnerability in U.S. Security

    Dr. Strangelove is still alive and well in planet America.

    Hurricane Katrina has exposed a serious vulnerability in the U.S. -- that it doesn't have enough troops to fight abroad and in the homeland simultaneously. Hence, extraordinary measures could be justified. At least according to the military that is.

    The Washington Post reports the Pentagon has a new strategy that includes a preemptive strike using nuclear weapons. The premise is that it is a preventative measure to be used against (perceived) threats from weapons of mass destruction.

    Is it just smoke and mirrors to ward off would-be terrorists from taking advantage of the recent catastrophe in New Orleans? Or is it for real?

    Only Bush knows for certain. What is frightening about this is that if anything can be learned from Katrina, it would appear the U.S. military is over extended and could not adequately defend the homeland if a terrorist attack should occur.

    But what is even scarier is that they are actually considering using the nuclear option as a preemptive strike weapon. Before they push the button let's hope (for all our sakes) their intelligence is far better than what they showed over Iraq's alleged Weapons of Mass Destruction.

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    CNN Double-Take

    Click on the image for larger picture

    Day by Day nails it again regarding CNN's double-take to cover the carnage as the recovery of bodies in New Orleans continues. We can only suppose they need the ratings. Indeed, horror and destruction sells news.

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    Saturday, September 10, 2005

    A Week in the Life of America

    Blacks hate whites, and whites hate all equally (they don't discriminate). The press takes the government to court. The left plans strategy against Bush and the right. Hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes batter the homeland. The nation remains on high alert after 911. The troops conquer Iraq but divide a country. The date of the apocalypse has been deciphered. And the anti-Christ has been found. Need proof?


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    Perfect Political Storm

    The game of news and politics has no shame:

    Click on the image for larger picture
    Day by Day cartoon notes that the politically-left blog KOS wants to exploit media coverage of dead bodies for its own political purposes. CNN wants to cover it because carnage sells. The government wants to downplay it to soften public outrage.

    Whereas Political FootBall notes: "Unfortunately that is the world that we live in. The public are but pawns in this political game. Either way the dead and the suffering lose."

    It's all so surreal. Watching biblical catastrophes in the comfort of our living room.

    Hard to say who is worse. The political harlots or the press. Then again, what does that say about our morbid curiosity?

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    Friday, September 09, 2005

    Day by Day does some Finger Pointing of it's Own

    Click on the image for larger picture

    Does Bush need a scapegoat? Or is he THE scapegoat?

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    Tag, You're It!

    The Lord has spoken from the mount, as Charles Krauthammer of the Washington Post defends Bush and directs his pointy finger towards God/Mother Nature, the Mayor, the Governor and FEMA (in that order):

    "When the plague or some other natural disaster struck, witches were burned, Jews were massacred and all felt better (except the witches and Jews). A few centuries later, our progressive thinkers have progressed not an inch. No fall of a sparrow on this planet is not attributed to sin and human perfidy. The three current favorites are: (1) global warming, (2) the war in Iraq and (3) tax cuts. Katrina hits and the unholy trinity is immediately invoked to damn sinner-in-chief George W. Bush.

    This kind of stupidity merits no attention whatsoever, but I'll give it a paragraph. There is no relationship between global warming and the frequency and intensity of Atlantic hurricanes. Period. The problem with the evacuation of New Orleans is not that National Guardsmen in Iraq could not get to New Orleans but that National Guardsmen in Louisiana did not get to New Orleans. As for the Bush tax cuts, administration budget requests for New Orleans flood control during the five Bush years exceed those of the five preceding Clinton years. The notion that the allegedly missing revenue would have been spent wisely by Congress, targeted precisely to the levees of New Orleans, and that the reconstruction would have been completed in time, is a threefold fallacy. The argument ends when you realize that, as The Post noted, "the levees that failed were already completed projects."

    Thus, the Lord has spoken. So let it be written, so let it be done.

    Any takers?

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    Thursday, September 08, 2005

    Breaking News:

    *Note: The above photo was first shown at the daily FISK!

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    Tuesday, September 06, 2005

    Katrina, Disaster, Aid, Relief, Celebs, HUMBUG!

    Where Are The REAL Heroes?

    I'm a hopeless cynic. Especially when it comes to politics and celebrities.

    Been around long enough to know that not everything that meets the eye is what it seems.

    So I would like to discuss a phenomenon that really disturbs me, and throw it out to all you good folk who are much smarter than I.

    I was reading a news story about Clinton slamming the government over the (mis)handling of Katrina, and it got me to thinking.

    Question: Have you ever noticed the opportunists who suddenly show up whenever there is a movie, a book, or a song to promote, or in this case when disaster strikes? And have you ever asked yourself why? (Rhetorical question). Otherwise you never see them.

    Take Katrina for example. My earlier post noted that Bubba Bill Clinton and George Dubya Bush Senior always seem to show up whenever tragedy strikes. Like ambulance-chasing lawyers looking for a gruesome accident to pass out business cards.

    Here they come. The dynamic duo to the rescue. Like marvel superheroes with grinning, air-brushed faces, showing off their new pearly white dentures and pepsodent smiles, all bought and paid for by the good tax payers of this great land.

    Ok, so I admit on the face of it, it looks very noble and good. Those good ole boys lending their mugs to help the poor and unfortunate. Right?

    Well, remember when I said not all is what it seems? I recall an interview with Clinton on CNN when he and Bush were off to visit victims of the Asian Tsunami.

    At the end of the interview good ole Bill accidentally blurted "well I got to go down there to promote my book anyway". Now that may not be a exact quote, but is basically what he said. Seriously! I kid you not.

    So I asked myself who is really benefitting here? Is it the disaster victims, or is it the publicity-hound celebs? Or both? You tell me.

    Are we to believe that nobody will donate to Katrina unless the celebs show up? I mean, really?

    Well I for one don't believe it. So let me ask another question. Are you moved to give to their charity rather than one of the other registered charities out there?

    Or let me put it this way. If they didn't have their own charity, would you be inclined to give less for the Katrina victims? Personally I don't believe it. But then again I'm not that superficial.

    Perhaps it is because America needs its heros, and there are more than enough egomaniacs vying for the job. Take Live 8 as another example. Rather than repeat myself, I will let my previous post speak for itself.

    Mark my words. It won't be long before you will be watching State Farm Insurance ads bragging on the toob how they rebuilt New Orleans. What they won't tell you however is all the bodies they screwed over. But that will be another story, or a law suit (or both).

    And now it seems even the blogosphere is not immune to opportunism. Blogger poster boy Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit) got himself a free plug from CNN.

    "So far, this has raised about... $360,000 from InstaPundit readers."

    Your efforts are duly noted Glenn, but why not just recommend that your readers give anonymously to a registered charity without all the self-promoting fanfare? Oh yeah, I forgot. There's no publicity in that is there?

    Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against sincere folk who want to help. I'm all for that. It's just that some people have no shame, and will exploit any situation for personal gain.

    Ok, there may be a place for celebs helping causes, but it's the hypocrisy that really gets my craw. The next time you see your favorite politician, actress or rapper doing a photo-op for a disaster scene, ask yourself what is their real motive?

    The end doesn't necessarily justify the means, and I for one will not help self-serving parasites get free publicity on the backs of suffering people.

    No sireee, not me. My money is going elsewhere. Then again, maybe I'm just an overly sensitive cynic.
    UPDATE: I just watched do-gooder Lisa Marie Presley on Oprah showing us how concerned she is for the flood victims. Now if memory serves correctly, didn't she just release an album recently? But there I go being cynical again.

    HEY OPRAH! Girl... show me the nobodys out there who are doing the real hero work. At least with 9/11 we had the firefighters and police to look up to. Not has-been celebs whose only claim to fame is being the daughter of Elvis and marrying whacko Jacko. Or at least make it worth our while and show us a real celebrity.

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    Bush and Bubba Give their Two Cents' Worth

    And it's Worth Every Penny:

    The Over-The-Hill Gang Rides Again!

    Thank goodness for disasters, otherwise there would be nothing much for these ex-presidents to do.

    Must be nice to have so much money to afford to spend all their spare time lending their face for charity. And it certainly doesn't hurt the book sales either.

    Soon we'll giving them a Mother Theresa award for sainthood and comparing them with other great duos like Abbott and Costello, Martin and Lewis, Crosby and Hope or Tommy Lee and Pam.

    Kidding aside, the dynamic duo George Bush Senior and Bill Clinton have teamed up again, this time for the Bush - Clinton Katrina Fund.

    There are a lot of relief aid organizations out there so take your pick and help out.

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    Sunday, September 04, 2005

    Evacuate THIS!

    And Now Commences the Blame Game:

    While thousands are still waiting for evacuation out of New Orleans our elected officials have commenced their own damage control to cover their asses and failed leadership.

    That's some consolation for the dead and the suffering. So the FISK has just one message for our glorious leaders -- while y'all sit on your spotty backsides pointing fingers...

    You can put it where the sun don't shine!

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    Friday, September 02, 2005

    New Orleans in Chaos

    New Orleans descends into anarchy as corpses

    lay abandoned in streets, fights and fires broke out, cops turned in their badges and the governor declared war on looters who have made the city a menacing landscape of disorder and fear.

    "They have M-16s and they're locked and loaded," Gov. Kathleen Blanco said of 300 National Guard troops who landed in New Orleans fresh from duty in Iraq. "These troops know how to shoot and kill, and they are more than willing to do so, and I expect they will."

    The chaos deepened despite the promise of 1,400 National Guardsmen a day to stop the looting, plans for a $10 billion recovery bill in Congress and a government relief effort President Bush called the biggest in U.S. history.

    "I'm not sure I'm going to get out of here alive," said Canadian tourist Larry Mitzel, who handed a reporter his business card in case he goes missing. "I'm scared of riots. I'm scared of the locals. We might get caught in the crossfire."

    More than four days after Hurricane Katrina struck, the National Guard finally arrived with food, water and weapons, churning through the floodwaters in a vast truck convoy that was met with both catcalls and cries of "thank you, Jesus!'' from the suffering multitudes.

    New Orleans' top emergency management official has called that effort a "national disgrace" and questioned when reinforcements would actually reach the increasingly lawless city.

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    Stop talking, get 'em out

    As thousands of terrified Americans remain trapped in the Swamp of New Orleans, the White House worries over its reputation and asks for patience.

    We are definitely on our own.

    I asked myself how I'd move thousands of people out of New Orleans if I only had a few hours. This is what I came up with. The picture at left is a photoshopped illustration.

    Step 1. Ask the crews of construction crane helicopters to get airborne and bring chain. These are the giants that put antennas on the tops of buildings. They can handle a big box of people.

    Step 2. Instruct helicopters to locate suitable containers. It shouldn't be difficult. New Orleans is a river town on a major seaport. Boxcars and shipping containers should be easily found--at least enough to be workable.

    Step 3. Deliver containers to the first neighborhood in lines of at least three helicopters. People will get the idea and run to the closest pickup spot. Three gives them hope. But if there's only one, the crowd may stampede to it, or riot, or crush each other in the container. Because they perceive they've been abandoned, they're likely to see a single helicopter as their last chance. Three helicopters splits the crowd from the center, spaces them blocks apart, and shows people for miles what's going on.

    Step 4. Before the container is full of people, lift slowly and hover low so stragglers can drop off without injury. Get airborne. This is how you communicate to an entire city without communications. You have to show 'em. See? We're taking you out of here now.

    Step 5. Take these people to safety, where showers, and beds, and meals and airplanes to elsewhere are ready and waiting.

    Step 6. Repeat until done. Time frame: four hours. Deadline: three days ago.

    A word about safety. It isn't. But then, there's nothing even remotely safe about what's happening on the streets. A trip in a box with a crowd of sweaty scared people would be a lot less scary than anything normal people do to themselves at Six Flags on purpose. CW FISHER

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