Friday, February 24, 2006

You SUCK! Becoming an A-List Blogger

Guy Kawasaki is running a contest to come up with a caption for a cartoon about his:

"abhorrent" article that I wrote called "How to Suck Up to a Blogger." Is this fun or what? I think it's flattering to know that you're worth skewering!
Nice try Guy. First you put your foot in it and then try to spin it off as a joke. A classic PR stunt to save face if there ever was.

Well the joke is on you bud and so the FISK has taken up the challenge to "skewer" his good buddy Guy one more time. Here goes.


Schwag won't cut it this time:

So Kiss my Royal...

Bloggers' Response (shouting in unison):

And while you're at it kiss mine too!


"A" stands for anal retentive, and "List" means getting in line behind the rest of the suckers.

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Be an A-List Blogger: So Kiss my royal...

We're Not Worthy! Thanks to Guy Kawasaki's insightful comment that blogging isn't for "people who haven't done anything", I woke up this morning having one of those rare epiphany moments.

If you really want to be an A-list blogger, forget the analytics and don't sacrifice your self-respect like a dumb-ass groupie. Just get a job at a major computer corporation or write a book.

You may now kiss my royal you know what.

DEFINITION of A-List: "A" means anal retentive, and "List" stands for getting in line behind the rest of the slobbering suckers.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Blog for Success: Just Suck Up

Lately it seems that everybody is an expert when it comes to getting on the blog A-list.

Robert Scoble for example tells us that we should all go over to Technorati and do the brrreeeport search and make friends. That's great advice Robert, but I guess being a Microsoft employee/blogger had nothing to do with your new found "success" did it. (Rhetorial question).

Former Apple evangelist and author Guy Kawasaki tells us that successful blogging isn't just about having a great product. It's also about sucking up. Although I haven't tried it myself, one of my personal favorites is tip #4 - giving schwag.

"In case you hadn't noticed, most bloggers don't make a lot of money from their blogging efforts. Thus, samples of your product, t-shirts, tickets to the Stanley Cup Finals, etc can go a long way. I'm not saying you can buy bloggers, but you can make them happy pretty easily. Dollar for dollar, schwag for bloggers is one of the best marketing investments."
Many people have made good livings sucking up to get ahead (just look at the politicians), and we all know who we're supposed to suck up to, right? You guessed it -- the Scobles and Kawasakis et al (don't forget to buy their book while you're there.)

I can't help but wonder if Guy hadn't ever worked for Apple or wrote a book would we be reading his blog today? Let's be honest, the real reason why they are writing about making your blog successful is because they know that is what we want to read and they are padding their posts with search-engine friendly keywords.

Under the ruse of turning you from rags to riches, what they are really doing is driving traffic to their own blogs. Dangling the bait like all the other hucksters do. But what the hey -- it works, or at least it does for some.

Although that is not necessarily a bad thing, what the public seems not to be aware of is their efforts are completely self-serving. If they had not achieved a certain amount of notoriety before becoming bloggers we would probably not even take notice, otherwise they would not be promoting their resumes and writing under a pseudonym.

Here is another method that I've noticed many bloggers using to get traffic. Although it doesn't fall necessarily into the sucking-up category (or does it). Taking a cue from shock-jocks on the radio, running-off at the mouth with four-letter word expletives seems to work for some. Because being crude is cool as far as the younger generation is concerned.

At great personal risk to my well being I realize that I'm going against the flow by writing this post. I have yet to try baring my ass or selling my soul to the rest of the world, and I guess it just depends on how proud you are or how willing you are to sacrifice your integrity.

Personally I think that the product should stand on its own merit and let the rest of the shills sing their song. But I happen live by the golden rule that the more hype I hear is a clear indication that I should be running in the opposite direction as fast as I can. That rule has also served me well when it comes to investing.

In other words, perhaps what I am really trying to say is regardless if you sink or swim -- dare to be different from the rest of the crowd. If you are any good it should be reflected in your traffic numbers sooner or later.

But I digress. If you will send me front-row tickets to the Olympic hockey finals I will consider giving you a link. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to list my keywords -- success, money, rich, financially free, blogging evangelist, sex, expert...

This politically incorrect post has been provided courtesy of the daily FISK.


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Monday, February 20, 2006

Yahoo bans Allah, but Mohammad is OK

Here is a story of how a Mr. Kallahar could not get a Yahoo email account and discovered that any word containing "allah" is banned.

You can however have email handles such as "pediphile" and a long list of other smarmy possibilities to choose from.

He exclaims: "why are they banning allah but allowing god, jesus, and mohammad?

One can only wonder who makes these decisions and apparently Yahoo isn't talking. If I were muslim I could develop an insecurity complex.

Before attempting to register a Yahoo account, save yourself the hassle and get a heads up on other words that are banned.

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Saturday, February 18, 2006

FARK's Fatwah

Situation Comedies for Mohammed:

Talk about adding fuel to the fire.

...related posts: fun funny humor humour religion fark
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Friday, February 17, 2006

Whittington Excuses Cheney

Loyal to the end. You have to admire his devotion:

"We all assume certain risks in whatever we do," Whittington said. "Whatever activities we pursue and regardless of how experienced, careful and dedicated we are, accidents do and will happen."
Thanks for taking one for the Gipper. The cheque's in the mail.

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Cheney's Excuses are NOT Plausible

A FISK Exclusive:

Cheney's excuse for taking so long to talk is nonsense. To set the record straight the FISK is disclosing a recording (received today from a reliable source) of a telephone conversation that fateful day between Cheney and Bush.

The recording makes it clear that Cheney waited to get legal advice, and he got another person to call in the accident because he was busy on the cell phone asking Bush for directions.

Here is the gist of that confabulation:

Dick Cheney on the telephone calling BushCheney: "GEORGE! I'm quail hunting and I just shot"... (voice becomes garbled).

Bush: "Now hold on Dick, your breaking up. Did you say that you shot Dan Quayle?"
(muttering: we can only wish.)

Cheney: "No, no, no... I said that I shot Harry Whittington!" (breathing heavily)

George Bush talking to Cheney on the telephoneBush: "Ok Dick, calm down will ya. I told you to take that anger management course."

Cheney: "Yeah George, I know, but it was an accident. No kidding! So what the hell do I do now?"

Bush: (muttering again) "you stupid son of a"...

Cheney: "What was that George?"

Bush: "Never mind. Whatever you do, don't shoot anyone else unless I authorize it first. Like Osama what's his name, um.... forget it.

Just keep your mouth shut and get yur ass over here pronto for a briefing. Our best lawyers are on it and we're sending a clean up crew over there now.

Oh yeah, I forgot to ask. Is he dead?"

Cheney: "No, he's still breathing. At least I think he is. Let me check... ... ... yeah, he's breathing better than I am right now."

Bush: "Then I guess you should get someone to call for an ambulance. It might be the right thing to do".

At this point the rest of the communication (at least several hours worth) becomes garbled again.

End of transmission.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Dick Cheney Shooting Triggers Jokes on TV

Lethal weapon Dick Cheney has been targeted by TV comics who can't resist taking a parting shot at his recent hunting accident. For your sporting pleasure the FISK has plugged them all. Enjoy:

Lethal Weapon Dick CheneyThe Late Show With David Letterman (CBS)

"Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction … It's Dick Cheney."

* * *
"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

* * *
"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"

* * *
"The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

* * *
From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the guy was trying to go gay cowboy on me."

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)

A partial transcript:

Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.

* * *
The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine Armstrong.

Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."

Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of your car? As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands could barely engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C and silenced my sub-woofers…"

* * *
Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the bird and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty well."

Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to within an inch of his life.

* * *
Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do … coo .. they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people … to get him some sort of mask."

Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC)

Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:

"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78, kablamo."

* * *
"Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to the troops."

* * *
"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (NBC)

"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

* * *
"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

* * *
"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "

* * *
"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"

* * *
"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."


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